By Way of an Update...

I've been avoiding Shepherdessing...

Not the act of shepherdessing, of course, but the blog. I knew I wouldn't blog much over the summer since I went on a seven week mission's trip to Europe, but now that it's September I've had the urge to start blogging again. I haven't entered into it yet, however, because I am not sure if I can be consistent enough to make my blog "worth it".

But I do not want to neglect my desire and ability to write just because of fear or uncertainty, so I will dive in and see where shepherdessing takes me this semester. That's right, I said semester, which means I am back in school! God taught me a lot this summer, including the idea that I can take my passions for member care and nutrition and use them together in one career. I now have a certain dream-to become a registered dietician, work here in the States with people on personalized-lifestyle diet plans, and fund myself to offer free nutrition seminars to missionaries overseas at member care conferences.

First step-beef up my BA with about 30 units of science! This means I am taking classes at the community college, which has been way more challenging to figure out than I expected.

One valuable spiritual lesson I've gleaned from the difficulty of getting into overcrowded classes is that God sometimes asks us to be persistent. At times in the process, it was difficult to discern whether God was closing a door or simply giving me the opportunity to practice persistence. I prayed that his will would be done and kept moving until he said, "stop" (which in this case, he did not). It took attending two sections of the same class for two weeks, plus multiple phone calls and emails-including one to the dean of Chemistry-for me to finally be given an add code for the final class I needed. This may all sound a little overdramatic, but my point is: in the midst of this little journey, I had a hard time telling if I was holding on to my dream too tightly or if my dream was just going to be one of hard work.

While God does not always clearly tell us if a door is opened or closed, I have learned that it is easier and more realistic to try and hear his voice if I am already moving. Sitting and waiting can be valuable, especially if the decision at hand has high stakes. But in this case, God showed me that my movement and persistence toward a goal I would like to see reached allowed me to see his will more clearly in my life.

I don't know if I will get into my master's program of choice and become a registered dietician in the timeline I see fit, but God knows. And he is faithful by revealing just enough at once. I know that for now, he has directed me to a semester of 8 units, GRE prep, 30 hours of work, and a women's wellness ministry. And for now, that is my dream come true.

Photo: me with some beautiful fruit at an open-air market in Madrid this summer

He doesn't work that way.

Two days ago, something kind of difficult happened. The sun and heat came back, in full-force. I mean not to complain with this post. I'm rather attempting to share the extent to which weather affects my mood and the process I'm going through to suck it up and be grateful anyway.

Sometime around the third week of September or so, I loose my patience for summer. I believe I thoroughly expressed that here. I know that living in LA means unpredictable weather day-to-day, but pretty predictable seasons. For instance, it rained last week. Hooray! But it's totally still summer weather on the whole. Here's the breakdown: we do not have a winter. Spring lasts from around the beginning of February to the middle of June. Summer arrives pretty much on time, at it's equinox and lasts until the end of September or October. And fall is from November-January. I'm no meteorologist, but I do believe this to be a pretty accurate summary of Southern California's seasons.

So tell me: why can't I just deal with the heat like a grown up? Well, I jokingly shared with everyone on Sunday, as the 90s re-emerged:

"I was so grateful for the rain and cool weather last week. I felt so happy! I kept saying, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you!', and forgive me if I'm wrong, but I thought God might just reward Southern California for my gratitude."

The thing is, he doesn't work that way.

Who am I to spend so much energy complaining about such a temperamental thing as the weather? The God of the universe is taking care of thousands, nay millions of his children in my very area who have great and real needs. I do not mean to suggest that our tedious prayers bother God or waste his time, nor do I mean to say that prayer can't change something as expansive as the weather. What I AM saying is this:

God has been very patiently been teaching me over the past few months what it means to be a real grown up.

Go to work and stick out all 8-9 hours a day because you need to.

Submit to authority. It's good for you.

Stop complaining (about the weather).

He is patient and I am fickle, OH so fickle. So rather than harping upon my bad mood (which really only makes a bad mood worse, wouldn't you say?), I must choose gratitude.

Thank you, Lord for air conditioning. Thank you for a job that doesn't require me to be outside unless I want to be. Thank you for a few extra weeks to figure out my central heating and cold shower situation at home. Thank you for teaching me to be an adult and for doing so without being condescending or condemning. Thank you that you do work that way.

Gifts, of the Spiritual Nature

I've taken a handful of spiritual gifts tests in my life. And whenever asked on ministry applications or whatnot to list my spiritual gifts, I've always listed encouragement and prayer. I used to be really good about writing notes of encouragement to people and I used to be really diligent about prayer.

I still strive to be this way...

But since college or so, prayer has taken a lot more effort. And I haven't made encouraging note-writing a weekly discipline or anything. I never considered the fact that my spiritual gifts may have changed.

For my weekly discipleship group, we were instructed to take a spiritual gifts inventory. Sitting on my couch yesterday afternoon, feeling less than joyful due to an extreme lack of sleep at the Jr. High all-nighter the evening before, I didn't expect much. I expected to get my homework assignment done and to perhaps receive confirmation that I'm an encourager and prayer-warrior. But once I started answering questions, I realized that my difficulty in prayer might actually point to a deeper discovery.

Prayer, along with evangelism and manual labor (ha!) were among my lowest scores.

I didn't know writing was considered a spiritual gift, but in this particular inventory, it was included. And it was my primary gift! In second, came a tie between a few gifts: exhortation, arts & crafts, vocal music, and hospitality.

So, while I know this doesn't mean I should stop trying to pray and evangelize so hard, I am more convinced that I should consider where my spiritual energy is going. Because if these gifts really do speak truth about my skills set (and they do), then maybe I should be investing more energy into serving God and his church through writing, exhorting, crafting, singing, and hosting. What does it look like to write for the betterment of the body of Christ? My mind feels a little narrow on the topic, but the wheels are beginning to turn. Thank you, Lord, for this discovery.

"Does that make sense?"

I find myself asking this question a lot. For as meticulous as I am about getting things perfectly clear in writing, I oftentimes struggle with verbal articulation. And I fear this struggle is only getting worse.

When I'm surrounded by patience and calm, I can sometimes makes sense of a confusing situation and express myself well. But when I find myself conversing with someone who feeds off the frustration I have for myself over my lack of ability to be clear, I feel myself shutting down, spiraling into an increasing muddle of "unclear". I fall prey to the female curse of seeing a connection between every single train of thought and cannot sort out one topic at a time.

Does that make any sense at all?

Say I'm feeling sad but am having a hard time expressing exactly why. Someone close to me asks what's wrong and I burst into tears, replying, "I don't know!" "Maybe it's the lunch I ate that's upsetting my stomach, which relates to my constant awareness of the body being related to the mind, emotion, and soul...which stresses me out because how am I ever supposed to feel sick without breaking down? Or maybe it's that little thing you said that set me over the edge. I'm just having a confusing day, ok?"

And that didn't make sense, right? Because that's exactly how some of my conversations have gone lately. But when I'm sitting down with a pen or a keyboard and maybe a cup of coffee (like this particular moment), there is space to piece together the exact words I want to use.

The bottom line is this: I can strive and strive to be more clear, but sometimes I just need to be honest. I need to say, "I can't talk about this right now. I need some space to sort out my thoughts." The only caveat is that I must then go to Jesus with my jumble of emotional expression and ask him to do the sorting. The Lord above is the only one who can truly handle my flood of words. I can touch on every single corner of a given subject as quickly and inarticulately as I want with him and not loose him. I can't confuse God.

Wow. This, I find refreshing.

[If I lost you, chances are you're not a woman.]