When I'm surrounded by patience and calm, I can sometimes makes sense of a confusing situation and express myself well. But when I find myself conversing with someone who feeds off the frustration I have for myself over my lack of ability to be clear, I feel myself shutting down, spiraling into an increasing muddle of "unclear". I fall prey to the female curse of seeing a connection between every single train of thought and cannot sort out one topic at a time.
Does that make any sense at all?
Say I'm feeling sad but am having a hard time expressing exactly why. Someone close to me asks what's wrong and I burst into tears, replying, "I don't know!" "Maybe it's the lunch I ate that's upsetting my stomach, which relates to my constant awareness of the body being related to the mind, emotion, and soul...which stresses me out because how am I ever supposed to feel sick without breaking down? Or maybe it's that little thing you said that set me over the edge. I'm just having a confusing day, ok?"
And that didn't make sense, right? Because that's exactly how some of my conversations have gone lately. But when I'm sitting down with a pen or a keyboard and maybe a cup of coffee (like this particular moment), there is space to piece together the exact words I want to use.
The bottom line is this: I can strive and strive to be more clear, but sometimes I just need to be honest. I need to say, "I can't talk about this right now. I need some space to sort out my thoughts." The only caveat is that I must then go to Jesus with my jumble of emotional expression and ask him to do the sorting. The Lord above is the only one who can truly handle my flood of words. I can touch on every single corner of a given subject as quickly and inarticulately as I want with him and not loose him. I can't confuse God.
Wow. This, I find refreshing.
[If I lost you, chances are you're not a woman.]
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