How do I know? Well there are acute differences between the two roles. And while I’ve gotten quite used to “ignoring” the fact that people think this baby is mine…or at least pretending at times like she is to appease the masses, I’m growing a little wary of the look people give when I walk around town with a stroller. They look at me like I’ve won an award. And it’s very nice.
But it’s a little like the feeling I get when people start celebrating Christmas too early. I’m pretty much a stickler for holding off ‘til after Thanksgiving to begin the Yuletide festivities, so when I hear that blessed music in way-too-early November, or see street decor emerge the day after Halloween, I shut the eyes of my Christmas spirit and say, “just wait.” Then, oftentimes, when I allow myself to dig into everything Christmas, I’m a bit squashed. I’ve been repressing, repressing, repressing and then all of a sudden I expect myself to burst forth with joy. [Can anyone see a reference to Christian expectations on the wedding night here? Christmas analogies are deep…]
So there is this tiny, under-the-radar fear that when I finally have a child of my own, I’ll be so used to the privileges granted new mothers by society (like award-winning looks and door openings—sometimes), that I won’t realize I am in fact a mother. Of course, this is not an extreme worry and I am not constantly thinking about motherhood [especially now that I’m convinced it wouldn’t be so bad to wait for my 20’s to pass before having kids]. But maybe I should allow myself to enjoy the generosity of the public and look beyond the fact that they’re not really happy for me, but for my sister-whose “shoes” I wear often. Because that thing that happens to a human face when it sees a baby gives me hope that God has planted the potential for good in our souls. Who cares if I’m not really the mom? They certainly don’t. And when I do open the eyes of my Christmas spirit to enjoy, say, a carol or a wafting of cinnamon (albeit still November) I find that the official Christmas kick-off is a bit more organic and welcomed. Yes, Christmas analogies always work in my life. I shall be a joyful nanny and allow society to bless me today.
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