Making home.

I recently told someone--"When I get home from work, I don't feel like doing anything remotely domestic." Maybe this is why my cottage is often such a mess.

However on a good day, when I get home, I do still want to pour myself into a domestic activity...because I am a homemaker. And even though being a nanny is very similar to being one's own homemaker, there are great differences between the kinds of domesticity that take place at work versus in my own home.

It is Friday evening, yes. But I am absolutely doing laundry and baking brownies exactly the way I want tonight. There is something truly refreshing about doing activities like laundry or cooking that I do every day in other homes for myself. I have my own standards for the ingredients that go into my food...for the level of "clean" that pleases me...for how my home should feel and function. And if you're new to my definition of homemaking, allow me to explain.

I believe homemakers are a distinct breed of women (no, men are not excluded, but I side with the persuasion that *women belong in the kitchen*...I say this loosely, yet with conviction, so cringe if you must...perhaps a whole post on this thought is necessary). Human beings need home and woman-begins need to create home. This takes on thousands of forms. But my main agenda in this arena has to do with disassembling American society's typical definition of homemaking. A stay-at-home mom is certainly a homemaker, but who says a 22 year old unmarried woman cannot be? Homemaking includes the family, but I believe just as the word "home" is a flexible one, homemaking should also be a flexible term.

I make my home.

When I was 14 and moving into my new bedroom in the front of the house, choosing the colors and decorations that suited me at the time, hanging photos of my best friends, and every once in a while utilizing the new lock on my door, I was making a home.

When I was 18 and moving into a dorm room for the first time with two strangers, buying my bedding and coffee grounds with my own money, learning how to use my laptop and printer, and getting to know the girls on my hall, I was making a home.

When I was 20 and moving into my first apartment, trying to buy decorations on a $40 budget, learning how to cook without following recipes, and having friends over to "my own place" for the first time, I was making a home.

And now that I'm back at home, living in my parent's back cottage, I strive to be hospitable. I strive to be both a good daughter and tenant. I strive to come home and keep house even when I'm exhausted from keeping others' houses...because home is important. Everyday, I am making my home and I welcome the many, many definitions of "homemaking" that my life will yet encompass.

My Happiness Project~~Part I

Last week I finally purchased "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. I've read her stuff for months in GoodHousekeeping and have perused the book the last few times I've visited a bookstore. I was wondering if I should honestly trust a book on happiness that wasn't coming from a Biblical background, but concluded that I can be discerning enough to know when the answer is actually Jesus (rather than whatever turns up on these pages). And I also believe that God can redeem all things and teach me valuable lessons even through people who aren't professing Christians.

Well, I'm just now (like right now) starting my own happiness project. The first steps are to ask myself the following questions, so I thought I'd make a post out of the task. These questions are designed to help me understand the resolutions I want to make to basically become a happier person. And in an attempt to not make this a book review or "plot" summary, I'm simply going to dive in. (In other words, if you're curious about the book itself, click here.)

The questions are: What makes you feel good? What gives you joy, energy, fun? What makes you feel bad? What brings you anger, guilt, boredom, dread? What makes you feel right? What values do you want your life to reflect? How can you build an atmosphere of growth—where you learn, explore, build, teach, help?

What makes you feel good? What gives you joy, energy, fun?

I feel good when my areas and home are organized and free of excess clutter. I feel better prepared for the day when I've gotten enough sleep and allowed myself time and space to wake up slowly. I feel good when I've eaten enough fruits and vegetables and found some way to move that day (others may call this exercise). I feel joy when I'm engaged in a free-flowing interaction (be it a conversation, hang-out, or gathering) with people who know and understand me well. I am energized by purposeful periods of rest that include time in the Word, time for creativity, and reflection on the past day or week. I have fun when I'm physically comfortable (free or distracted from pain) and have a plan...when I am: surrounded by someone(s) who loves me, laughing, or experiencing rich and cultural things.

What makes you feel bad? What brings you anger, guilt, boredom, dread?

I feel bad when I am misunderstood. I get angry when people in my life are hurting or hurt me. Guilt sets in when I fall into bad patterns of sin that I am really ready to be done with. I feel dread when there is no variety in my routine or when I have nothing to which I can look forward. I feel bad when I haven't had enough sleep or time to myself and I feel frustrated when time is wasted. I don't enjoy winging it unless I'm on a road trip or am in a particularly spontaneous mood. I feel terrible when an entire day goes by without meaningful thought, conversation, physical contact, or affection from another person. I feel bad when it seems that I'm in something alone. I hate being emotionally inconsistent...and I do not like the fact that my list of negatives is so long.

What makes you feel right? What values do you want your life to reflect?

I feel right when I am on-track in my relationship with Christ. This includes being in tune to his plan of grace for my life. I want my life to reflect the values of good listening, compassion, service, care, confidence, and gratitude. I feel right when I am both pouring into someone's life and being poured into by someone older than myself.

How can you build an atmosphere of growth-where you learn, explore, build, teach, help?

I can build an atmosphere of growth by reading more and using my free time with purpose. I can plan excursions and events for myself that foster a spirit of adventure and joy. I can get serious about physical health and the connection it has to my mood and disposition. I can make sure I keep healthy margins for myself in regards to the number and quality of activities/ministries in which I'm involved. I should be able to give the best of myself and if I cannot, should consider dropping the activity.

I'm excited to read this book and to plan my happiness project. I will document when I can and hopefully inspire others to seek happiness more seriously too!

"Does that make sense?"

I find myself asking this question a lot. For as meticulous as I am about getting things perfectly clear in writing, I oftentimes struggle with verbal articulation. And I fear this struggle is only getting worse.

When I'm surrounded by patience and calm, I can sometimes makes sense of a confusing situation and express myself well. But when I find myself conversing with someone who feeds off the frustration I have for myself over my lack of ability to be clear, I feel myself shutting down, spiraling into an increasing muddle of "unclear". I fall prey to the female curse of seeing a connection between every single train of thought and cannot sort out one topic at a time.

Does that make any sense at all?

Say I'm feeling sad but am having a hard time expressing exactly why. Someone close to me asks what's wrong and I burst into tears, replying, "I don't know!" "Maybe it's the lunch I ate that's upsetting my stomach, which relates to my constant awareness of the body being related to the mind, emotion, and soul...which stresses me out because how am I ever supposed to feel sick without breaking down? Or maybe it's that little thing you said that set me over the edge. I'm just having a confusing day, ok?"

And that didn't make sense, right? Because that's exactly how some of my conversations have gone lately. But when I'm sitting down with a pen or a keyboard and maybe a cup of coffee (like this particular moment), there is space to piece together the exact words I want to use.

The bottom line is this: I can strive and strive to be more clear, but sometimes I just need to be honest. I need to say, "I can't talk about this right now. I need some space to sort out my thoughts." The only caveat is that I must then go to Jesus with my jumble of emotional expression and ask him to do the sorting. The Lord above is the only one who can truly handle my flood of words. I can touch on every single corner of a given subject as quickly and inarticulately as I want with him and not loose him. I can't confuse God.

Wow. This, I find refreshing.

[If I lost you, chances are you're not a woman.]

The shepherdess has arrived

Welcome, welcome! I'm back and more excited than before...

This is Shepherdessing.

It's a new blog, but the same me is authoring. Summer is (unofficially) over and I've been feeling the writer's itch for some time now. Over the past few months, I've been wanting to ditch myHandH for something more meaningful, more organized...more clear. I tried other servers and even considered investing money into blogging, but in the end I landed here.

Allow me to explain the title. I was looking for something that captured my personality. I threw together an ideas "board" and started playing around with word combinations, but the words that stuck out most to me were ones associated with my name meanings. Since my names (in this order) mean: "Christ-follower", "victory of the people", and "shepherd", I realized that they really do hold significant weight in defining my life and person. [Believe it or not, my last name means "castrated ram and/or shepherd" Uh, I'll go with shepherd, thank you.]

I am a shepherd. Or a shepherdess, rather. Nurturing, caring, coaching, tending...these are all words that describe the side of my personality that I use oftenest. Or maybe I'll just say that when I do use the shepherdessing side of my personality, I feel most whole.

I want to document my journey through post-grad life as a shepherdess. Now nurturing people is not always what I'm best at, but (as my tag line suggests) I am constantly learning how to care, how to love, how to let go and draw boundaries when caring becomes carrying...and as I navigate through this new phase, I desire to shine as a shepherdess. My new blog will be organized into the following labels:

"the nanny"
My life and lessons as a full-time nanny.

"creativity"
Pictures, recipes, and stories from creative endeavors including crafting, party-hosting, and home decor.

"spiritual formation"
The chronicles of my walk with God.

"homemaking~nurturing"
How I thrive in the lifestyle of homemaking in any home, at any stage.

"projects and series"
Causes, resolutions, ongoing stories, or specials.

So here's to you, readers. May my posts prove companionable and fun. Thanks for supporting me and investing interest here at Shepherdessing!

I'm a nanny, not a mom.

How do I know? Well there are acute differences between the two roles. And while I’ve gotten quite used to “ignoring” the fact that people think this baby is mine…or at least pretending at times like she is to appease the masses, I’m growing a little wary of the look people give when I walk around town with a stroller. They look at me like I’ve won an award. And it’s very nice.

But it’s a little like the feeling I get when people start celebrating Christmas too early. I’m pretty much a stickler for holding off ‘til after Thanksgiving to begin the Yuletide festivities, so when I hear that blessed music in way-too-early November, or see street decor emerge the day after Halloween, I shut the eyes of my Christmas spirit and say, “just wait.” Then, oftentimes, when I allow myself to dig into everything Christmas, I’m a bit squashed. I’ve been repressing, repressing, repressing and then all of a sudden I expect myself to burst forth with joy. [Can anyone see a reference to Christian expectations on the wedding night here? Christmas analogies are deep…]

So there is this tiny, under-the-radar fear that when I finally have a child of my own, I’ll be so used to the privileges granted new mothers by society (like award-winning looks and door openings—sometimes), that I won’t realize I am in fact a mother. Of course, this is not an extreme worry and I am not constantly thinking about motherhood [especially now that I’m convinced it wouldn’t be so bad to wait for my 20’s to pass before having kids]. But maybe I should allow myself to enjoy the generosity of the public and look beyond the fact that they’re not really happy for me, but for my sister-whose “shoes” I wear often. Because that thing that happens to a human face when it sees a baby gives me hope that God has planted the potential for good in our souls. Who cares if I’m not really the mom? They certainly don’t. And when I do open the eyes of my Christmas spirit to enjoy, say, a carol or a wafting of cinnamon (albeit still November) I find that the official Christmas kick-off is a bit more organic and welcomed. Yes, Christmas analogies always work in my life. I shall be a joyful nanny and allow society to bless me today.